A new decree

Boeufenair here. Today our troops have delivered a resounding victory on the eastern front, we have now taken control of the wedding dress shop. Production has started on new uniforms for the grateful citizens of EUdB. You will all be called individually to be fitted for your new garment, these items will be worn on all the days of the year in which Boeufenair allows you to cover your bodies.

There will be no washing of these new items. Boeufenair will be regularly carrying out checks on the spot to see how many days of wear he believes you to have had out of your garment, punishment for this will involve unpaid work building the set for Boeufenair's stunning adaptation of his first musical 'Um Bongo'. Um Bongo on Ice is a masterpiece in five acts that will trace the history of the most popular soft drink of The Papaland, from it's roots deep in Congo-Brazzaville all the way to it's status as the only fluid permitted in our fine land. Starring popular sportsman John Parrot, Boeufenair has created more compulsory viewing.

De grandes jambes

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair has developed a new strand of science to sit alongside physics, chemistry and biology, this new discipline will be called Big Legs. The new subject will be taught to all 4 - 37 year olds as part of their curriculum. Big legs is a slice of unbridled genius from Boeufenair.

You will be provided further updates as we find out more about this new and exciting science. We are on the verge of our first through break and you will all then learn of the wonderful powers of this new discipline.

Oui, oui, oui

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair is delighted to announce he is now following his own blog. He delights in being able to read about his own brilliance.

Le Monde - C'est pour Boeufenair! Il est un homme d'acier

Boeufenair here. During a recent ‘Night of the Big Sticks’ at a local boulangerie, Boeufenair found himself caught up in a minor fracas during which the boulanger resisted the thrashing being delivered by one of Boeufenair’s gigantic ‘Lauquais de Boeuf’ who was wielding a particularly large bâton. With a gall not witnessed by Boeufenair for many-a-moon the boulanger declared that his treatment was unfair and that the persecution of boulangers by Boeufenair was irrational. Staring down at this puny bakerman Boeufenair began to enter a period of thought. Boeufenair’s thoughts are much bigger than anybody else's and his brain is swift and detailed.. This use of his wonderful mind made Boeufenair question the moral grounding he has for choosing the weak and vulnerable as targets for his programmes of discipline. Boeufenair started to question the very foundations of his policy of rule, the fabric of the whole state was torn apart within the splendid intellect of Boeufenair. It had gone not without note, in recent times, that the activities of such events as ‘Bald Wednesday’ have not been providing Boeufenair with the kind of satisfaction they once did. You may ask ‘how can Boeufenair not be amused by the sight of David Bellamy being shorn of all his locks and then thrown into a big field while Boeufenair sits in a crudely made hut with a pair of binoculars, whispering at how the rare bald Bellamy only comes out every 3rd Wednesday of the month to sob and weep in a big field before going back into hiding in the wild?’ But Boeufenair tires of this type of shenanigan. Boeufenair wants recognition on the international stage. Boeufenair wants Banking Moon of the UN to play wrestling with him in the Palacé de Boeuf, and the man from France to congratulate Boeufenair on his impeccable command of the French language and fantastically sculpted left pectoral muscle. Boeufenair will be back soon to update you with news of his successes.

Liberté, égalité, battage

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair doesn’t give a shit. Boeufenair has decided to change sailing laws. Only the mentally ill will be able to sail in boats as of 3pm today. This is a brilliant move from Boeufenair, he has outstripped even himself with this new legislation. Boeufenair is tired of his pathetic workforce taking time off from their duties to sail boats. The mentally ill generally sometimes do not work and so if they wish to sail boats it is no problem to Boeufenair, who is a master of Kojo Karate. Boeufenair sympathises with the plight of the insane and is also going to grant a national holiday in honour. On this day people unable to work because of their illness will be allowed back to work in any job they so choose. Boeufenair hopes that the insane will decide to take to the streets in humorous roles such as pawnbrowkers. After this Boeufenair will attach his favourite mentally disadvantaged person of the day to a 30ft pole and carry them around sticking out of his sunroof for the next few weeks. This will make the insane feel they have a sense of purpose in Etats Unis de Boeuf. Boeufenair is a champion of social policy. Boeufenair is to host a new gameshow on the BBC entitled 'Who Wants a Beating from Boeufenair?'. Contestants will be strapped into the hot seat as Boeufenair applies Greco-Roman wrestling moves using spanners, a mouldy cabbage and a football pump while Twat Tarrant asks stupid questions about his own saggy, disgusting head. Boeufenair is revolutionizing what his people watch and doesn't care if it wins him no new friends.

Boeufenair Doesn't Listen to 'The Man'

Boeufenair here. Today Boeufenair will make up more rules as he goes along. Boeufenair will impose all these hardliner rules upon the innocent civilians of your local town. Martial law has been declared by Boeufenair starting immediately. The first law Boeufenair is declaring is curfew, nobody is allowed indoors between the hours of 6pm and 8am, you must all go out onto the streets otherwise the mighty forces of the Garde de Boeuf will use Tazer technology to fuck you up. Boeufenair wants all houses evacuated at precisely 6pm today. Also, coughing is no longer allowed in public. Boeufenair finds coughing a disgusting habit and is going to put an abrupt end to this putrid human pastime which has been the source of 99% of all deaths. Think of the money Boeufenair will save on healthcare when coughing is no longer allowed, hospitals will empty and Doctors can be sacked from their practices and hired as something more useful such as hair farmers or town criers. Boeufenair is thinking outside every box going. Hospital buildings can be used as store-homes for stufffed animals. Boeufenair will teach taxidermy at schools to children from ages 6 and upwards, all animals that die can then be preserved as nature intended. No longer will little Benny cry when his pet Beluga gently passes away on the beach, instead he will be forced to stuff 'Cheap Willy' with hessian and asbestos whilst naked. This will take place in the centre of his local village, Boeufenair will then encourage his many subjects to hurl abuse and used tissues at the young as their humiliation brings a tear of joy to Boeufenair's traditionally ice cool exterior. Boeufenair is not ashamed to cry at his own works of brilliance.

Piercing the skin of victory

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair's incredible mind-games and physical superiority have broken you down quickly. Boeufenair senses imminent victory in his quest for power. Boeufenair's mastery of Photoshop has led him to create images of all of your vile faces with two extra chins added, these will be dropped in leaflet form over your places of work/schools/local shopping precincts in a bid to win hearts and minds. Once Boeufenair has gained full control of your pitiable country new passports will be issued. Photographs for the Etats Uni de Boeuf passports will be taken whilst you are hanging upside down from a bungee rope naked with the words 'Donner Kebabs' crudely written onto your legs. Anyone wishing to leave the country will need to reenact this photograph at the airport to pass through customs.

Boeufenair! Boeufenair! Boeufenair!

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair is a winner, Boeufenair will conquer your puny townships, then he will publicly weigh you all on slightly unbalanced scales which make you appear slightly heavier than you actually are. Boeufenair is ruthless. Boeufenair is a master psychologist. Boeufenair is going to take D"e"rren Brown on a walk in the countryside without informing D"e"rren of the motive for the stroll. When D"e"rren drops his guard Boeufenair will be in like a shot, the next time Brown tries to perform mind tomfoolery on an unsuspecting public he will be shocked to find that he has been walking around with his own man-stick hanging out for several weeks, when he is arrested he will confess to the world that he is the mastermind behind the September 12th attacks. Viva Le Boeufenair.

L’homme, la force, la puissance

Boeufenair here. You don't want to mess with Boeufenair, Boeufenair is a bad-ass, he'll do you over. Boeufenair is loco, you don't have a chance, any of you. Boeufenair will take your collective bottoms and use your collective ring-pieces as a flag holder for the new flag of Etats Uni de Bouefenmonde. Be warned Boeufenair is branching out into imperialism, Boeufenair is going to take over your small countries and make them into one big country, ruled by Boeufenair. Boeufenair knows no limits. Boeufenair is a maverick, Boeufenair doesn't play by the rules of the UN, Boeufenair fights wars against defenceless nations, Boeufenair flaunts UN trade embargo's, Boeufenair is trading military secrets with Puerto Rico en route to developing the 'Helium Bomb' - meaning whole nations will be talking in squeaky voices for 10 - 15 seconds whenever Boeufenair decides to drop one. These bombs will be fitted with blue paint cannisters to spray the peoples of these lesser nations in a turquoise shade. Coupled with their high pitched whining, Boeufenair will have created a nation of Smurfs for nearly quarter of a minute. When the Armé de Bouef marches into their land these people will not have the courage to offer resistance after their humiliation on the world stage. Boeufenair is a rogue and a tyrant. Bouefenair has skillfully waxed eyebrows.