Liberté, égalité, battage

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair doesn’t give a shit. Boeufenair has decided to change sailing laws. Only the mentally ill will be able to sail in boats as of 3pm today. This is a brilliant move from Boeufenair, he has outstripped even himself with this new legislation. Boeufenair is tired of his pathetic workforce taking time off from their duties to sail boats. The mentally ill generally sometimes do not work and so if they wish to sail boats it is no problem to Boeufenair, who is a master of Kojo Karate. Boeufenair sympathises with the plight of the insane and is also going to grant a national holiday in honour. On this day people unable to work because of their illness will be allowed back to work in any job they so choose. Boeufenair hopes that the insane will decide to take to the streets in humorous roles such as pawnbrowkers. After this Boeufenair will attach his favourite mentally disadvantaged person of the day to a 30ft pole and carry them around sticking out of his sunroof for the next few weeks. This will make the insane feel they have a sense of purpose in Etats Unis de Boeuf. Boeufenair is a champion of social policy. Boeufenair is to host a new gameshow on the BBC entitled 'Who Wants a Beating from Boeufenair?'. Contestants will be strapped into the hot seat as Boeufenair applies Greco-Roman wrestling moves using spanners, a mouldy cabbage and a football pump while Twat Tarrant asks stupid questions about his own saggy, disgusting head. Boeufenair is revolutionizing what his people watch and doesn't care if it wins him no new friends.

Boeufenair Doesn't Listen to 'The Man'

Boeufenair here. Today Boeufenair will make up more rules as he goes along. Boeufenair will impose all these hardliner rules upon the innocent civilians of your local town. Martial law has been declared by Boeufenair starting immediately. The first law Boeufenair is declaring is curfew, nobody is allowed indoors between the hours of 6pm and 8am, you must all go out onto the streets otherwise the mighty forces of the Garde de Boeuf will use Tazer technology to fuck you up. Boeufenair wants all houses evacuated at precisely 6pm today. Also, coughing is no longer allowed in public. Boeufenair finds coughing a disgusting habit and is going to put an abrupt end to this putrid human pastime which has been the source of 99% of all deaths. Think of the money Boeufenair will save on healthcare when coughing is no longer allowed, hospitals will empty and Doctors can be sacked from their practices and hired as something more useful such as hair farmers or town criers. Boeufenair is thinking outside every box going. Hospital buildings can be used as store-homes for stufffed animals. Boeufenair will teach taxidermy at schools to children from ages 6 and upwards, all animals that die can then be preserved as nature intended. No longer will little Benny cry when his pet Beluga gently passes away on the beach, instead he will be forced to stuff 'Cheap Willy' with hessian and asbestos whilst naked. This will take place in the centre of his local village, Boeufenair will then encourage his many subjects to hurl abuse and used tissues at the young as their humiliation brings a tear of joy to Boeufenair's traditionally ice cool exterior. Boeufenair is not ashamed to cry at his own works of brilliance.

Piercing the skin of victory

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair's incredible mind-games and physical superiority have broken you down quickly. Boeufenair senses imminent victory in his quest for power. Boeufenair's mastery of Photoshop has led him to create images of all of your vile faces with two extra chins added, these will be dropped in leaflet form over your places of work/schools/local shopping precincts in a bid to win hearts and minds. Once Boeufenair has gained full control of your pitiable country new passports will be issued. Photographs for the Etats Uni de Boeuf passports will be taken whilst you are hanging upside down from a bungee rope naked with the words 'Donner Kebabs' crudely written onto your legs. Anyone wishing to leave the country will need to reenact this photograph at the airport to pass through customs.

Boeufenair! Boeufenair! Boeufenair!

Boeufenair here. Boeufenair is a winner, Boeufenair will conquer your puny townships, then he will publicly weigh you all on slightly unbalanced scales which make you appear slightly heavier than you actually are. Boeufenair is ruthless. Boeufenair is a master psychologist. Boeufenair is going to take D"e"rren Brown on a walk in the countryside without informing D"e"rren of the motive for the stroll. When D"e"rren drops his guard Boeufenair will be in like a shot, the next time Brown tries to perform mind tomfoolery on an unsuspecting public he will be shocked to find that he has been walking around with his own man-stick hanging out for several weeks, when he is arrested he will confess to the world that he is the mastermind behind the September 12th attacks. Viva Le Boeufenair.

L’homme, la force, la puissance

Boeufenair here. You don't want to mess with Boeufenair, Boeufenair is a bad-ass, he'll do you over. Boeufenair is loco, you don't have a chance, any of you. Boeufenair will take your collective bottoms and use your collective ring-pieces as a flag holder for the new flag of Etats Uni de Bouefenmonde. Be warned Boeufenair is branching out into imperialism, Boeufenair is going to take over your small countries and make them into one big country, ruled by Boeufenair. Boeufenair knows no limits. Boeufenair is a maverick, Boeufenair doesn't play by the rules of the UN, Boeufenair fights wars against defenceless nations, Boeufenair flaunts UN trade embargo's, Boeufenair is trading military secrets with Puerto Rico en route to developing the 'Helium Bomb' - meaning whole nations will be talking in squeaky voices for 10 - 15 seconds whenever Boeufenair decides to drop one. These bombs will be fitted with blue paint cannisters to spray the peoples of these lesser nations in a turquoise shade. Coupled with their high pitched whining, Boeufenair will have created a nation of Smurfs for nearly quarter of a minute. When the Armé de Bouef marches into their land these people will not have the courage to offer resistance after their humiliation on the world stage. Boeufenair is a rogue and a tyrant. Bouefenair has skillfully waxed eyebrows.